I stay this way, diseased with heartbreak, ever since we have broken up. I can not forget your cruelty, it has shaped me. I treat others with distance and aggressive cynicism because of how you once treated me. It is so easy to destroy a person.
You say one wrong thing and injure someone. It used to eat me up to think you will move on and find love and happiness, while I desperately search for treatment. I don’t feel that way anymore. I haven’t forgiven you. I don’t really care about you. I barely even remember you. Even in my hazy memories you don’t show up. It is so easy to erase a person.
Sometimes I do think of you though. I dully wish you are suffering, wherever you are. But you know me, I don’t really mean it. Which feels unfair to the younger me who was hurt (so deeply, I reinforce), but I don’t feel the same anger anymore. I just don’t want to be damaged anymore Boom. I think I am capable of so much love, even romantically. I think when (and if) I meet someone I am able to trust, I could be so loving. I hate to think that you called me your best friend and then left me to die.
That is the worst part. And the only part that matters. My sickness. It’s not like I don’t believe in love anymore or something, I am just convinced that it will never happen to me. I am convinced that everyone is lying to me. That people don’t really care about anything except for themselves. I don’t want to blame you for it: one person can’t possibly fuck up the wiring of my brain, right? Right.
But God, it is you, isn’t it? Your selfish hands, shaking and burnt at chemistry lab.
I lied to you, boom. I lied to you a lot. I hope you never have to find out. I am an actor. We are in a movie. But you will never be damaged the way you have damaged me. I hope I haunt you though, I hope your hands are always red with my blood. I hope I made a monster out of you. I hope you doubt your intentions every time you experience love. I hope you self-sabotage, set your house on fire, feel your own insignificance to people you love and get swallowed by it.
But I don’t really mean that.
